He wants to hold it back, he desperately wants to hold it back. He wants to keep his shattered pieces together and power through. He wants to be strong- if for nothing else, for her. He doesn't want her to hurt any more than she already is. He wants to be his usual, upbeat self for her. To make her smile, to take away her troubles for a little while.

But he can't. He tries and he hits a brick wall. The sheer emotion around what happened is overwhelming. He can't pretend any more. Not right now, at least. He curls into her a little, breathing becoming more laboured. He tries to fight it back, but the strength to do so eludes him. He'd fucking died. He'd always had big talk about taking each day as it came, never knowing when his number would be punched. Now it had been, and thanks to Wonderland, he'd come back to tell the tale. How the hell was anyone supposed to process that? How was someone supposed to deal with the fact they died?

Another sob bubbles out of him and he finally just lets it happen. He feels guilty, dropping more bullshit on Clem when she's already hurting plenty. He wishes he could keep it together for her but he needs to let go of something or he's going to break worse than he already is. So this is what he lets go of- his shoulders shake as he sobs against her.